one of my most and least favorite places to be

is alone with my thoughts. i think it's important to spend time alone to reflect and mentally organize your life. i get a lot of crap for not hanging out, which everyone seems to take personally rather than as me simply not wanting or needing to be around people. don't get me wrong, i love the people in my life and sometimes go nuts when i'm not around them. but that doesn't mean that there aren't times when i'd rather be sitting under a fucking tree, caffeinated and nicotined, watching the wheels with the magnetic fields providing the soundtrack.

but contemplating things by yourself can also be the most terrifying fucking place in world. like right now. 5 in the morning is the worst time this could possibly happen. everyone's asleep, so there's no one to talk to. the silence is deafening, as is the traffic in my head. i can't get myself to fall asleep, so of course i get to thinking about heavy shit. like aging parents and pets and how everyone you hold dear to you will eventually go away, some without warning, others with fair amounts of. people take it as bad news when they're told that their loved ones have x days or months or years left in them. bad news, yes, but it's good in that at least you know to brace yourself. at least someone is telling you, because really, we should all be reminded that everyone, ourselves included, can go just like that. i can't help but mentally replay the last scene from silverlake life, where tom and peter dance to "i met him on a sunday." definitely the most beautiful yet tragic documentary film moment i've ever seen.

ah, fuck. most depressing post ever.

i'm gonna stop. i never ask to think about these things, i don't think any of us do. but it's better than ignoring or denying the reality that tomorrow--yours, mine, someone else's--is uncertain.

now i will try to end on a positive note.

but isn't this how we know we're alive? yeah, we're all dying, at different rates. but knowing that we're gonna be gone one day is what makes us tick. and i'm not only talking about death--let's say you're relocating for school or work, and that you only have a few months left in your city, the one in which you may have envisioned yourself settling down. knowing that you're leaving makes you appreciate home a million times more. what makes life great and chipper is appreciating today for today simply because you're alive and tomorrow is not a fucking guarantee.



good night.