sic transit gloria.

"is that Latin?"

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

one of my most and least favorite places to be

is alone with my thoughts. i think it's important to spend time alone to reflect and mentally organize your life. i get a lot of crap for not hanging out, which everyone seems to take personally rather than as me simply not wanting or needing to be around people. don't get me wrong, i love the people in my life and sometimes go nuts when i'm not around them. but that doesn't mean that there aren't times when i'd rather be sitting under a fucking tree, caffeinated and nicotined, watching the wheels with the magnetic fields providing the soundtrack.

but contemplating things by yourself can also be the most terrifying fucking place in world. like right now. 5 in the morning is the worst time this could possibly happen. everyone's asleep, so there's no one to talk to. the silence is deafening, as is the traffic in my head.
i can't get myself to fall asleep, so of course i get to thinking about heavy shit. like aging parents and pets and how everyone you hold dear to you will eventually go away, some without warning, others with fair amounts of. people take it as bad news when they're told that their loved ones have x days or months or years left in them. bad news, yes, but it's good in that at least you know to brace yourself. at least someone is telling you, because really, we should all be reminded that everyone, ourselves included, can go just like that. i can't help but mentally replay the last scene from silverlake life, where tom and peter dance to "i met him on a sunday." definitely the most beautiful yet tragic documentary film moment i've ever seen.

ah, fuck. most depressing post ever.

i'm gonna stop. i never ask to think about these things, i don't think any of us do. but it's better than ignoring or denying the reality that tomorrow--yours, mine, someone else's--is uncertain.

now i will try to end on a positive note.

but isn't this how we know we're alive? yeah, we're all dying, at different rates. but knowing that we're gonna be gone one day is what makes us tick. and i'm not only talking about death--let's say you're relocating for school or work, and that you only have a few months left in your city, the one in which you may have envisioned yourself settling down. knowing that you're leaving makes you appreciate home a million times more. what makes life great and chipper is appreciating today for today simply because you're alive and tomorrow is not a fucking guarantee.

good night.


  • At 3:12 AM, Blogger Bozasm said…

    You seem to put it perfectly how the silence is deafening, as is the traffic in your head. I know that feeling, where you are just left alone in the silence with thoughts to wander aimlessly, and you wish to God or whatever deity that you had SOMETHING, anything to distract you and divert your attention.

    Of course, these sort of moments help realize the fragility of life and the great things you have -- so accept the wonderful things in life, and realize that the happy things in life and happiness in general may be fleeting, but should never be seen as futile.

    "everyone you hold dear to you will eventually go away" -- then try to think "it is better to have loved and lost..."

    At least you lived to talk about it
    at least you got your health
    at least it made you feel alive
    -- The Starting Line "The Night Life"

    I can almost guarantee you -- no matter how late it is, you can call me and rant to me about anything.


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