given that my performance resume

is short, unimpressive, and for the most part, was forced upon me--i was "mexican homeboy #2" in our 4th grade D.A.R.E skit; in 6th grade i was sir thomas more in a christmas period piece; in high school acting workshop i did a monologue from king henry viii, and scattered throughout were various piano recitals--it's most surprising to think that someone would recognize my quasi (non-existent) stage potential and provide me an opportunity to put it to good use. kind of. but i can't do this alone. before i craigslist this under gigs, you heard it here first.

stage manager (read: yours truly) seeks reliable crew for big hollywood production. and i mean big. skills necessary: must know how to draw curtains, a plus if you can do so in non-jerky fashion. must be able to handle some light-lifting as you will be setting up/taking down props in between acts. also a plus if you can operate unwiedly, archaic stage-lights that haven't been switched on in years. also need someone who knows how to operate a just as bulky circa 1988 tape deck/cd player that looks like your parents' first answering machine (the rewind button doesn't work, so you'll have to queue everything with a pencil or your pinky finger). most importantly, must be able to quickly and efficiently herd 5-10 year olds on and off stage and keep them quiet backstage. must not hesitate to use empty threats, such as, "i guess someone doesn't want to do their 'i want candy' dance," or "if you don't pipe down the only place you'll be singing hillary duff is in the principal's office." i don't want moms disappointed because their daughter's version of generic-disney-princess-song was drowned out by whispers and giggles, or because their son's recorder rendition of feliz navidad was punctuated by fart noises emanating from behind the curtains. this is an unpaid deal, but this is LA and you gotta start somewhere. if this sounds like something you can handle, respond promptly. emails without headshots will be disregarded.

ah yes, school talent show time is upon us. weeks in the making, this one's going to be a good one. i hope. and about the crew, i don't need one because they gave me three 5th graders whom i affectionately refer to as "my interns." as in, "this whole show is falling apart, i need a fucking cigarette. INTERN! LIGHT!" all i need is a clipboard, headset and a frosty the snowman emblazoned neckerchief and i'm good to go. perhaps i should practice a lisp as well.